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And This is Why I Drink

And this is why I drink . . .

[Saturday night].

RIC: [To friends} Ok. I’ll watch your dog for the day while you tend to that emergency.

ME: [Snickering in the background and rolling my one good eye.]

[Early Sunday morning]

RIC: Mario, wake up. The dog wants out.

ME: [Climbs out of sleep, rises from bed then zombielike opens back door. Gets knocked over by rambunctious dog that trips me in place as he runs through the door.]

[An hour later.]

RIC: The dog’s hungry. Did you feed him?

ME: [Gets up from computer (losing train of thought on that paragraph I was writing) walks to kitchen, adds vitamins to dogs “special food”, puts food in the microwave, (Damn Dawg eats better than I do!) refills water bowl, places water and food in its spot. Get’s tripped by dog as it runs for the food and knocks me over.]

[One minute later.]

RIC: Did you feed the dog? His bowl is empty and he looks hungry.

ME: Yes. I fed him. He ate.

RIC: He finished already?

ME: Yes.

RIC: Well, then you better let him out. I don’t want him “going” in the house.

ME: [Walks to back door and opens it, this time smart enough and awake enough to move to the side so that the dog only brushes my leg as he bounds out and starts barking at . . . nothing.]

[Fifteen minutes later.}

ME: [Comes back inside leaving dog outside to enjoy the yard.]

RIC: Where’s the dog?

ME: He’s outside.

RIC: All alone?!?

ME: He’s fine, Ric. He’s a dog.

RIC: What if he runs off?

ME: The yard’s fenced. He can’t get out.

RIC: But he’s lonely.

ME: He’s fine.

RIC: Bring him back in.

ME: [Walks to door brings dog back inside the house.]

RIC: Did you check the yard for his poo? I don’t want to find his poo all over the place.

ME: [Grabs plastic bag and makes rounds of the yard and garden path feeling like the dog is now the master of the house.]


RIC: Does the dog need to eat?

ME: No. He’s fine. They said twice a day.

RIC: But he looks hungry.

ME: He’s good, Ric.

RIC: I’m going to give him a treat.

ME: Do not give him my Black Forest ham again! Give him his doggy treat only.

RIC: But he loves the ham.

ME: Give him dog treats only! [Turns away.]

RIC: [Gives dog Black Forest ham. Picks up toy and starts playing with dog.]

[Five minutes later.]

RIC: I’m tired dog. Go play with Mario.

DOG: [Bounds over to Mario with toy in hand.]

RIC: Taking care of dogs is exhausting. [Goes into another room to rest.]

[4:00 PM]

RIC: Do you think the dog will like spaghetti?

ME: Open the wine.

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