MARIO KIEFER

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . DOG: What is this? ME: It’s your dinner! DOG: No, no, no, no — this simply will not do.  These mushrooms are not properly foamed. They should be lightly and airy.  Look at them?  Do they look light and airy to you?   Do they? ME: Uh . . . DOG: I think not.  They are dense. They are cloudy. They are at best unremarkable. Return them to the kitchen to be properly made.  And be certain the chef does so himself - not some heavy-handed neophyte who knows no

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . ME: Why aren’t you playing with your new toy? Don’t you like it? DOG:  It’s alright, but . . . ME: But what? It was not cheap. I thought you would love it. DOG: I do love it, but . . . ME: But what? It’s tough — hard to rip through. There’s none of that stuffing that you pull out and leave everywhere. It has a squeaker. It . . . DOG: That’s the problem. ME: I’m sorry. I don’t understand. DOG: It’s hard to rip open and there is no stuffing for me play w

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . DOG:  Bark, Bark, Bark, Bark, Bark! ME:  [Startled from my slumber] What’s going on? What’s happening? DOG: There is a stranger in the house! ME:  It’s okay. Relax. It’s Christmas Eve. DOG: He is eating all the cookies and drinking all the milk! ME: We left it out for him. DOG: He is moving all the gifts under the tree. ME:  He is leaving more. Don’t worry. DOG: Bark, Bark, Bark, Bark, Bark! ME: Shhhh! If you keep that up you will be on the naught list

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . [Handwritten Note addressed to the police should they find my death to have occurred be under “suspicious circumstances.”] Dear Investigator: For some time now I have been worried that I might suffer a strange accident that leads to my untimely demise. I pen this note to point you in the right direction as I have become increasingly suspicious that one in particular means me harm. The first time I tripped down those steps, I thought nothing of it. My p

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . ME:  We take our walk and you rush by everything. DOG: I want to see it all. ME:  But you don’t take time to...

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . DOG: [Crashes through the doggie door at breakneck speed. Jumps on the sofa and begins furiously licking his...

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . DOG:  What is this? ME:  Chicken. DOG: I had chicken last night. ME: So. DOG: I don’t want chicken. I want beef...

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . ME: Come on. Let’s go outside and play. DOG: No. I don’t want to.  There are too many animals out there. ME:  But...

DOG:  Give me a treat. ME: No, not until you finish your dinner. DOG:   But I’m starving. ME: You have a bowl full of food right there....

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . DOG:  Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark!...

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . DOG:  [Looks up at me from door.] ME:   What? You want me to open the door? DOG: Yes. ME:   You have a doggie...

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . DOG [Throws toy in front of me as I walk to another room.] ME:   Stop, Dog. I don’t want to play. DOG: [Throws...

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . DOG:  [Yawn.] ME:    Are you tired? DOG: Yes. ME:    That’s because you were up all night playing. DOG: I was...

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . DOG: Why do you leave me? ME:    I am just going to get the mail. DOG: You always go away. ME: I will be right...

DOG: What are you doing? ME:   Setting up the doggie-cam. DOG: What for? ME: So that I can check on you when I am not here and make sure...

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . ME:  OMG! You have already destroyed that toy! DOG: So. ME:  It’s brand spanking new. You had it for only ten...

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . DOG: Why is everyone making such a fuss? ME:  There was an election last week. DOG:  So you picked a new alpha?...

ME: [With apologies to Eddie Murphy and Rick James, in a sing song voice to the tune of that 1985 hit] My dog likes to potty all the time...

ME: Stop humping that toy! DOG: But I like humping. ME: I understand, but you can’t hump in front of everyone. DOG: Why not? ME: Because...

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . DOG:  What is this slop? ME: Slop? That’s a fine filet. DOG: It’s overcooked. ME: It’s medium. I know,...