MARIO KIEFER

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . ME: Why aren’t you playing with your new toy? Don’t you like it? DOG:  It’s alright, but . . . ME: But what? It was not cheap. I thought you would love it. DOG: I do love it, but . . . ME: But what? It’s tough — hard to rip through. There’s none of that stuffing that you pull out and leave everywhere. It has a squeaker. It . . . DOG: That’s the problem. ME: I’m sorry. I don’t understand. DOG: It’s hard to rip open and there is no stuffing for me play w

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . DOG:  Bark, Bark, Bark, Bark, Bark! ME:  [Startled from my slumber] What’s going on? What’s happening? DOG: There is a stranger in the house! ME:  It’s okay. Relax. It’s Christmas Eve. DOG: He is eating all the cookies and drinking all the milk! ME: We left it out for him. DOG: He is moving all the gifts under the tree. ME:  He is leaving more. Don’t worry. DOG: Bark, Bark, Bark, Bark, Bark! ME: Shhhh! If you keep that up you will be on the naught list

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . [Handwritten Note addressed to the police should they find my death to have occurred be under “suspicious circumstances.”] Dear Investigator: For some time now I have been worried that I might suffer a strange accident that leads to my untimely demise. I pen this note to point you in the right direction as I have become increasingly suspicious that one in particular means me harm. The first time I tripped down those steps, I thought nothing of it. My p

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . ME:  We take our walk and you rush by everything. DOG: I want to see it all. ME:  But you don’t take time to...

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . DOG: [Crashes through the doggie door at breakneck speed. Jumps on the sofa and begins furiously licking his...

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . DOG:  What is this? ME:  Chicken. DOG: I had chicken last night. ME: So. DOG: I don’t want chicken. I want beef...

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . ME: Come on. Let’s go outside and play. DOG: No. I don’t want to.  There are too many animals out there. ME:  But...

DOG:  Give me a treat. ME: No, not until you finish your dinner. DOG:   But I’m starving. ME: You have a bowl full of food right there....

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . DOG:  Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark!...

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . DOG:  [Looks up at me from door.] ME:   What? You want me to open the door? DOG: Yes. ME:   You have a doggie...

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . DOG [Throws toy in front of me as I walk to another room.] ME:   Stop, Dog. I don’t want to play. DOG: [Throws...

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . DOG:  [Yawn.] ME:    Are you tired? DOG: Yes. ME:    That’s because you were up all night playing. DOG: I was...

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . DOG: Why do you leave me? ME:    I am just going to get the mail. DOG: You always go away. ME: I will be right...

DOG: What are you doing? ME:   Setting up the doggie-cam. DOG: What for? ME: So that I can check on you when I am not here and make sure...

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . ME:  OMG! You have already destroyed that toy! DOG: So. ME:  It’s brand spanking new. You had it for only ten...

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . DOG: Why is everyone making such a fuss? ME:  There was an election last week. DOG:  So you picked a new alpha?...

ME: [With apologies to Eddie Murphy and Rick James, in a sing song voice to the tune of that 1985 hit] My dog likes to potty all the time...

ME: Stop humping that toy! DOG: But I like humping. ME: I understand, but you can’t hump in front of everyone. DOG: Why not? ME: Because...

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . DOG:  What is this slop? ME: Slop? That’s a fine filet. DOG: It’s overcooked. ME: It’s medium. I know,...

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . DOG:  [Whining.] ME:  What’s up, Boo Boo?  Why you whining. DOG: [Looking at kitchen counter still whining.] ME:...