MARIO KIEFER

It’s like Mama always said: The truth always comes out so you may as well tell your side now. #MamaSaid

Self-important celebrities. #PetPeeves

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . DOG: It’s your fault that I am so competitive. ME: What do you mean? DOG: Well, you said I have to be the best. ME: No, I said you had to try your best. DOG: You said I have to be the best - at everything ME: No, I said you had to try your best - at everything. DOG: So, that’s what I do. When I see another dog, I have to beat him. I have to be the best. Because that’s what you said I should do. ME: You misunderstood. I don’t care if you are better

I am outraged! Absolutely outraged! My emotional service chicken was banned from the restaurant! #Outrage

“Seek freedom and become captive of your desires. Seek discipline and find your liberty.” — Dune, Frank Herbert #FavoriteQuotes

Forgive me Father, I have sinned. It’s been too long since my last confession. I have been hiding Roswell ET’s for a long time. I will say 5 Hail Mary’s. #Confession

Nobody should have to sign into an app to change the temperature on their refrigerator. #SundayTruth

“If you don’t stop crying, I will give you something to cry about.” — Mom #FavoriteQuotes

Being an asshole isn’t the virtue that some seem to think it is. #SundayTruth

It’s like Mama always said: If you want to be treated like an adult, don’t act like a child. #MamaSaid

“As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter the words, but to live by them.” — John F. Kennedy #FavoriteQuotes

Forgive me Father, I have sinned. It’s been too long since my last confession. I told someone that they didn’t need to try so hard to prove Darwin right. I will say 5 Hail Mary’s.

It’s like Mama always said: Careful where you eat. Many serve a load of crap and claim it’s five-star dining. #MamaSaid

Just when I start to think that people cannot possibly be that stupid, they prove me wrong. #PetPeeves

Every collectivist revolution rides in on a Trojan horse of "emergency". It was the tactic of Lenin, Hitler, and Mussolini. In the collectivist sweep over a dozen minor countries of Europe, it was the cry of men striving to get on horseback. And "emergency" became the justification of the subsequent steps. This technique of creating emergency is the greatest achievement that demagoguery attains. ~Herbert Hoover #FavoriteQuotes

Whenever I hear someone say, “I deserve it,” I have to ask, “Why? What did you do to earn it?” You only deserve what you earn. #SundayTruth

I grow so weary of the complaints of the 99%. The 1% have problems too. I was going to replace Maid with a new humanoid robot but Maid refused to plug it in! “Save the Rich!” Please give to our cause. #Oldgaydisabledhalfbreedprivilege

It’s like Mama always said: The dummy’s mouth may be moving, but you gotta see whose hand is up the politician’s ass if you wanna know who is doing the talking. #SundayTruth

Dear Business: If you are so terribly busy that you cannot answer the phone, you must be too busy to accept my money. Is it really that hard to return a message? #PetPeeves

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . DOG: Gimme! ME: No! It’s not for you. DOG: But you ALWAYS bring something back for me when you go to the store. ME: Not this time. DOG: Gimme! ME: No! I have nothing for you. DOG: Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! ME: Fine! Here - play with this (gives him empty wrapper). DOG: See - you always bring me something. ME: Open the wine. #DogsLife