MARIO KIEFER

Seek and ye shall find. #SundayTruth

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . ME: [Puts plate of food down in front of dog.] DOG: [Looks at plate of food then back up to me.] What is this? I am not eating that. Has it been tested? ME: Tested for what? It’s your dinner - the same as always. DOG: How do I know it’s safe? Your plate is different from mine. ME: It’s the same stuff. Mine has ground beef and cheese. Yours has ground beef and cheese. DOG: But it might be poisoned. ME: It’s not poisoned.  Look.  [Picks up dog’s plate. M

They stopped minting pennies - no more common cents. #SundayTruth

You’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t. So, dammit just do it. #SundayTruth

It's like Mama always said: You can’t claim the high ground when you’re standing in the sewer. #MamaSaid

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . DOG: What is this? ME: It’s your dinner! DOG: No, no, no, no — this simply will not do.  These mushrooms are not properly foamed. They should be lightly and airy.  Look at them?  Do they look light and airy to you?   Do they? ME: Uh . . . DOG: I think not.  They are dense. They are cloudy. They are at best unremarkable. Return them to the kitchen to be properly made.  And be certain the chef does so himself - not some heavy-handed neophyte who knows no

We celebrate inclusion As we rejoice in the exclusion Of those we find oppressive To claim our own transgressive And amplifying delusion.

The simple fact is that we must not -- and we will not -- surrender our borders to those who wish to exploit our history of compassion and justice. We cannot tolerate those who traffic in human cargo, nor can we allow our people to be endangered by those who would enter our country to terrorize Americans. But the solution to the problem of illegal immigration is not simply to close our borders. The solution is to welcome legal immigrants and legal legitimate refugees, and to

Forgive me Father, I have sinned. It’s been too long since my last confession. I FAFO’d. I will say 5 Hail Mary’s. #SundayConfession

There is no intelligent life in the universe - anywhere. #SundayTruth

ONE: The video shows “x”! TWO: The video shows “y”! ONE: I don’t care what YOUR video shows. Mine is the one that matters. TWO: I don’t care what your video shows. MINE is the one that matters. You each only see what you want to see. #PetPeeves

It's like Mama always said: If you don’t what you’re saying, don’t speak. #MamaSaid

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . ME: Why aren’t you playing with your new toy? Don’t you like it? DOG:  It’s alright, but . . . ME: But what? It was not cheap. I thought you would love it. DOG: I do love it, but . . . ME: But what? It’s tough — hard to rip through. There’s none of that stuffing that you pull out and leave everywhere. It has a squeaker. It . . . DOG: That’s the problem. ME: I’m sorry. I don’t understand. DOG: It’s hard to rip open and there is no stuffing for me play w

The mob cries out for democracy But really wanting ocholcracy Through protest in violence And demand your compliance In full view, they display their hypocrisy #Limerick

I am outraged! Absolutely outraged! Each time the aliens are meant to invade, I am out of town. #Outrage

Peaceful (adjective): pēs-fəl  devoid of violence or force Some of ya’ll need to read that definition again. #WordOfTheDay

"Everybody stuttered, but the felloow who stuttered too much was called a stutterer." ~ Unknown #FavoriteQuotes

Forgive me Father, I have sinned. It’s been too long since my last confession. When at a red light the good looking driver in the car next to me gave me the middle finger.  I thought it was a kind offer, so I held up a sign that said, “Call me later.” I will say 5 Hail Mary’s. #SundayConfession

When you poke the bear, sometimes it pokes back. #SundayTruth

Somebody emailed me writing: “I’ve hacked into your computer and got all of those dirty pics of you from your hard drive.  If you don’t send me $1,500 in gift cards within the next two hours, I will share them with all of your contacts.” But I had already share them all. #PetPeeves