DAWG: Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.
ME: Fine. I’m awake.
DAWG: Let me out. Let me out.
ME: Hold on. I gotta pee first.
DAWG: [Follows me to restroom] Why you gotta pee in that bowl? Why not just come outside and pee with me?
ME: No. Just hold on a second.
DAWG: Hurry. Hurry. Hurry.
ME: Alright, Alright, I’m coming.
[Dog follows me to kitchen where I turn on the coffee maker.}
DAWG: What are you doing? Open the damn door.
ME: Give me one second. [Grabs cigarette from pack and picks up lighter and start toward door.]
DAWG: What the hell is taking you so long?
Me: [Opens door, dogs run through legs almost knocking me over.]. You’re welcome.
[I walk outside and watch dog wander around sniffing everything as I light my first coffin nail of the day and sit my sleepy, fat butt down to inhale. Dog looks over at me then lifts his leg.]
DAWG: See, I don’t need no bowl to do my business. You would be faster if you followed my lead.
ME: [Grunts and rolls my one good eye.]
[Dog wanders around yard. Lets out a short bark.
ME: Uhuh. I told you no barking in the morning. People are trying to sleep.
DAWG: Whatever boomer. [Rolls eyes and continues to wander through the yard.]
[I return inside leaving the door open so that the dog can follow me in at his leisure. I pulls dog bowl from the dish rack. I shuffle to the refrigerator where I get the dog’s food. I add in vitamin/mineral supplements then put the bowl I the microwave to warm up the food.]
DAWG: [Running back into house, sits down in front of me looking at me and the microwave.] I heard the beeps. Where’s my food?
ME: It’s still warming up. Another twenty seconds.
DAWG: What’s taking so long? You should have had it ready before I got inside.
ME: Another fifteen seconds. Just hold on.
[While food continues to warm, I walk over and pick up the water bowl. I turn around and dog is right behind me/}
DAWG: Where’s the food?
ME: Dude! Hold on. I am refreshing you water. Ten more seconds, okay.
DAWG: Well, hurry up dammit.
ME: [Silently pulls water from refrigerator and fills water bowl. Microwave beeps signaling food is ready.]
DAWG: Food’s ready. I heard it beeping. Why are you keeping it from me? Where’s my food?
ME: Let me just put this down first.
[Dog wanders in front of, then behind my legs. I put water bowl down, then stand up to get the food from the microwave.]
DAWG: [Looks up at me scornfully] That’s just water. Where’s the FOOD?
ME: Sheesh, Dawg. Hold on one second.
[I walk to microwave. Dog follows. I pull dish out of microwave and set it down on the counter. Dog follows. I check the temperature with my finger to make sure it’s warm but not too hot. Dog looks up at me i exasperation. I pick up a fork and stir the food while Dog continues to stare at me. I walk over and place the food bowl down. Dog follows.]
ME: There you go.
DAWG: ‘Bout damn time. What took so long?
ME: Open the wine.