BY ORDER OF PUBLIC HEALTH
About 655,000 Americans die from heart disease each year—that's 1 in every 4 deaths. This entirely preventable health issue cost about $219 billion each year from 2014 to 2015.
Public Health deems this unacceptable and hereby declares heart disease a health emergency.
In order to confront this emergency and mitigate deaths caused by heart disease, Public Health issues the following order:
Effective at 12:01 AM, Saturday, July 24, all hearts are hereby banned. Those who still have a heart are ordered to turn theirs into local authorities immediately.
Thank you for your cooperation.