MARIO KIEFER

When you poke the bear, sometimes it pokes back. #SundayTruth

Somebody emailed me writing: “I’ve hacked into your computer and got all of those dirty pics of you from your hard drive. If you don’t send me $1,500 in gift cards within the next two hours, I will share them with all of your contacts.” But I had already share them all. #PetPeeves

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . DOG: Bark, Bark, Bark, Bark, Bark! ME: [Startled from my slumber] What’s going on? What’s happening? DOG: There is a stranger in the house! ME: It’s okay. Relax. It’s Christmas Eve. DOG: He is eating all the cookies and drinking all the milk! ME: We left it out for him. DOG: He is moving all the gifts under the tree. ME: He is leaving more. Don’t worry. DOG: Bark, Bark, Bark, Bark, Bark! ME: Shhhh! If you keep that up you will be on the naught list

The King wrote words unreflective, And quickly you hurl your invective. But your words hold no meaning When out there your screaming In outrage that’s highly selective. #Limerick

I am outraged! Absolutely outraged! While eavesdropping, I overheard someone say something I didn’t like! #Outrage

Stupidity, outrage, vanity, cruelty, iniquity, bad faith, falsehood - we fail to see the whole array when it is facing in the same direction as we. ~ Jean Rostand in Pensées d’un Biologiste (1939) #FavoriteQuotes

Forgive me Father, I have sinned. It’s been too long since my last confession. I received a text soliciting my opinion on issues from the Global Peace Initiative. I responded, “Bomb them all.” I will go and say 5 Hail Mary’s. #SundayConfession

Look, at the end of every conversation you know you always say those same three words, so you might as well say them at the start to save a lot of time, trouble, and aggravation. Come on, say them with me, now: Mario, you’re right. #SundayTruth

Dear Mother Nature, I just shoveled the driveway. Must you snow again NOW? #PetPeeves

It’s like Mama always said: If you are going to be the punchline then be the one that tells the joke. #MamaSaid

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . [Handwritten Note addressed to the police should they find my death to have occurred be under “suspicious circumstances.”] Dear Investigator: For some time now I have been worried that I might suffer a strange accident that leads to my untimely demise. I pen this note to point you in the right direction as I have become increasingly suspicious that one in particular means me harm. The first time I tripped down those steps, I thought nothing of it. My p

A member of Congress recently spake Committing crimes does not a criminal make What the dictionary defines Her cause realigns Common sense no longer has stake. #Limerick

I am outraged! Absolutely outraged! It’s outrageous that that you are not outraged by my outrage! #Outrage

Those who enjoy their own emotionally bad health and who habitually fill their own minds with the rank poisons of suspicion, jealousy and hatred, as a rule take umbrage at those who refuse to do likewise, and they find a perverted relief in trying to denigrate them. ~ Johannes Brahms #FavoriteQuotes

Forgive me Father, I have sinned. It’s been too long since my last confession. But first, I need my lawyer. I will say 5 Hail Mary’s. #SundayConfession

It’s not free speech if you tell someone they cannot say that. #SundayTruth

I am outraged! Absolutely outraged! The people who lost their minds don’t even look for them anymore! #Outrage

"When asked if my cup is half-full or half-empty my only response is that I am thankful I have a cup." — Sam Lefkowitz #FavoriteQuotes #GivingThanks

I am outraged! Absolutely outraged! My favorite food site stopped posting dog recipes because nobody eats dog anymore. #Outrage

We will not bend the knee, And consent to rule by decree, No coercion accepted, Unless it’s excepted, As an order with which we agree. #Limerick