MARIO KIEFER

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . DOG: I don’t want to take that medicine! ME: It’s for your own good! DOG: My body, my choice! ME: I am your guardian. You don’t get a choice. DOG: Autocrat! ME: It’s for your own good. DOG: Every dictatorship starts with those words. ME: Don’t use my own words against me. DOG: Then don’t speak them. ME: Just take your medicine. DOG: Fascist! ME: Open the wine. #DogsLife

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . ME: [Puts plate of food down in front of dog.] DOG: [Looks at plate of food then back up to me.] What is this? I am not eating that. Has it been tested? ME: Tested for what? It’s your dinner - the same as always. DOG: How do I know it’s safe? Your plate is different from mine. ME: It’s the same stuff. Mine has ground beef and cheese. Yours has ground beef and cheese. DOG: But it might be poisoned. ME: It’s not poisoned. Look. [Picks up dog’s plate. M

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . DOG: What is this? ME: It’s your dinner! DOG: No, no, no, no — this simply will not do. These mushrooms are not properly foamed. They should be lightly and airy. Look at them? Do they look light and airy to you? Do they? ME: Uh . . . DOG: I think not. They are dense. They are cloudy. They are at best unremarkable. Return them to the kitchen to be properly made. And be certain the chef does so himself - not some heavy-handed neophyte who knows no

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . ME: Why aren’t you playing with your new toy? Don’t you like it? DOG: It’s alright, but . . . ME: But what? It was not cheap. I thought you would love it. DOG: I do love it, but . . . ME: But what? It’s tough — hard to rip through. There’s none of that stuffing that you pull out and leave everywhere. It has a squeaker. It . . . DOG: That’s the problem. ME: I’m sorry. I don’t understand. DOG: It’s hard to rip open and there is no stuffing for me play w

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . DOG: Bark, Bark, Bark, Bark, Bark! ME: [Startled from my slumber] What’s going on? What’s happening? DOG: There is a stranger in the house! ME: It’s okay. Relax. It’s Christmas Eve. DOG: He is eating all the cookies and drinking all the milk! ME: We left it out for him. DOG: He is moving all the gifts under the tree. ME: He is leaving more. Don’t worry. DOG: Bark, Bark, Bark, Bark, Bark! ME: Shhhh! If you keep that up you will be on the naught list

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . [Handwritten Note addressed to the police should they find my death to have occurred be under “suspicious circumstances.”] Dear Investigator: For some time now I have been worried that I might suffer a strange accident that leads to my untimely demise. I pen this note to point you in the right direction as I have become increasingly suspicious that one in particular means me harm. The first time I tripped down those steps, I thought nothing of it. My p

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . ME: We take our walk and you rush by everything. DOG: I want to see it all. ME: But you don’t take time to...

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . DOG: [Crashes through the doggie door at breakneck speed. Jumps on the sofa and begins furiously licking his...

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . DOG: What is this? ME: Chicken. DOG: I had chicken last night. ME: So. DOG: I don’t want chicken. I want beef...

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . ME: Come on. Let’s go outside and play. DOG: No. I don’t want to. There are too many animals out there. ME: But...

DOG: Give me a treat. ME: No, not until you finish your dinner. DOG: But I’m starving. ME: You have a bowl full of food right there....

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . DOG: [Looks up at me from door.] ME: What? You want me to open the door? DOG: Yes. ME: You have a doggie...

It’s a Dog’s Life . . . DOG [Throws toy in front of me as I walk to another room.] ME: Stop, Dog. I don’t want to play. DOG: [Throws...